My Ugly Heart December 6, 2011

• (DISCLAIMER:  I have no idea how those bullets down the side got there or how to remove them.  SORRY!)

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  photo found at rachelgoode.blogspot.com

• The Christmas season has a way of revealing to me what a sinner I am.  Fitting, since the holiday is a celebration of my Savior’s birth, but humbling none the less.
• Every year around this time I get bit by the bug.  A bug so rampant, I’m thinking it needs to be added to the strains of illnesses included in the flu season records.  As a helpful guide, I am including a list of symptoms.  You may have the Christmas bug if:
• 1. As you are shopping through Target, every toy you pass you imagine being opened Christmas morning by your child with a huge smile on their face, accompanied by the exclamation, “I love it!  You are the best Mother in the whole world!”
• 2. The words “Honey, we bought each other a house (or insert needed appliance, car repair, or plumbing job here) for Christmas, let’s not exchange gifts this year” make your heart drop with sadness no matter how right they are.
• 3. Your store daydreams change from #1 symptom to imagining your child unwrapping the boring things like underwear that they really need but don’t want with a disappointed look on their face, accompanied by the proclamation, “This is the WORST Christmas ever!”  (you only think that’s an exaggeration- I have a very dramatic little 5 year old.)
• 4.  You start wondering how kids during the great depression didn’t break their parent’s hearts after opening their one and only gift- an orange which was a rare treat to them.
• 5.  You realize now, more than ever, you are much more materialistic then you ever imagined…
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• Treatment for the Christmas bug includes a hefty dosage of reality:
• 1. Your child doesn’t need every toy in the store, in fact they are undoubtedly better off without it and so are you.  Not to mention, as the years pass, their enthusiasm for gifts drastically reduces and last year we were horrified to hear the dreaded phrase, “what else did you get me?” escape our child’s lips more than once.  ”Where did we go wrong?”, we asked ourselves.  After all, we had been careful not to make Christmas about the presents…or so we thought.  We didn’t “do” Santa, we limit our gift giving to a few special items per child, we read “The Three Gifts of Christmas”  leading up to the holiday, we even tried no gifts on Christmas day one year opening them on Christmas Eve instead so all of Christmas day could be focused on Christ’s birth.  How did we end up with such greediness coming from our children? Perhaps the first dose of medicine I needed to swallow was the reality that my children get the Christmas bug too.  Whats worse?  They caught it from me.  MODEL CONTENTMENT!
• 2.The house, furnace. dishwasher, new axles for the car, toilet repair, you name it was a BLESSING!  And despite the little pang in your heart that tells you otherwise, it is enough.  Gather friends and family in that gift of a home.  Warm bodies from that furnace mean warm hearts snuggled in their beds on Christmas Eve.  Dishes covered in food being loaded in the dishwasher make me grateful when I think back on six years without one and thankful that food was on those dishes around the table where my family joins together to eat.  Whatever you may have inserted in that blank, whether a car repair which enables you to travel and see loved ones or even the fixed toilet that saves your ears from the constant sound of it running-  GIVE THANKS!
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• 3. When needs are met, whether through Christmas or any other time of the year, teach your children to praise God!  ”Kids you know you needed new underwear, don’t tell me you didn’t notice the holes in yours and no- holiness isn’t a good thing when it comes to underwear.  Praise God!  He provided you with new underwear this Christmas!”  CHOOSE JOY!
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• 4. Oranges DO make great stocking-stuffers.  Throw in a ziplock baggie of cloves and let your kids decorate them to make pomanders for your Christmas table centerpiece.  BE CREATIVE!
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• 5. Pray that the Holy Spirit would change your heart about Christmas.  Pray that He would take your greed, selfishness, and desire to please anyone but our Savior.  Pray that He would transform your family through the power of His love and that we would all be awestruck by the wonder of His glory!  PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!

Ara and James at the Christmas Tree

My dear friends, that truly is “All I Want For Christmas”…  for God to take my ugly heart and give me one washed clean by His blood.  Hallelujah, HE DID!  And that is the reason for the season!

Updates and a Really Long Story about the Twins August 27, 2011

So, I had the best of intentions to stay up to date on here but, well, plans change.  Let’s see what did you miss?  I got big, then bigger, then bigger still, and just when I thought I couldn’t get any bigger- I got bigger:

The houses (yes plural) that we were supposed to close on fell through and we ended up temporarily moving in with my parents until we can get a house under contract and God-willing actually close on it.  It has actually been a huge blessing having the extra help around as we had our sweet baby girls shortly after moving in with them.

I would like to introduce you to sweet Anna Jane and Ruth Abigail:

More insanity in our household came in the form of my oldest two taking sick just as we were bringing home babies.  It has been over a week and a half since I have been around my two older sweethearts as the girls and I are quarantined in the back bedroom to protect them from getting sick .  Both had brief jaunts in the NICU and are still not completely in the clear with Anna and her lungs so we have to be extra careful of spreading germs around them.

You may be wondering, “what is it like to deliver twins?”.  Well, first let me just say that my Mom would tell you I have never done anything the normal way.  There is a ten percent chance in a twin delivery that the first will be delivered the normal direct route and the second will be taken by cesarean section.  That means there is a 90 percent chance that won’t happen.  I thought that was pretty good odds… of course, I was one of the ten percent…

Ah well, during this season of life I will be honest and tell you that our life has been through a bit of upheaval.  Basically homeless temporarily, moving all our things to storage, being put on bed rest with the girls for a couple weeks, delivering twins with two very different kinds of recoveries, and then illness but through it all I have felt overwhelmingly blessed!   How is that?  God sent me these two precious blessings and the magnitude of it astonishes me every day.

Have I told you the story of how God told me we were having twins?  Here we go.

I have never before heard God speak clearly enough that I knew what I was hearing was from Him except through scripture.  I have many friends who hear God talk to them on a regular basis and to be honest sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with me because I didn’t seem to have that kind of connection with my Lord.  There were times in my life I knew He was speaking exactly what my heart needed to hear (whether it wanted to hear it or not is a different story entirely) at the time I needed to hear it.  Whether through speakers, authors, scripture or wise counsel- I have heard from God in this way.  Before this season of life, however; I would not claim that God spoke something to me individually or revealed a part of His plan to me in advance of it happening.

When I got pregnant with the girls the fatigue this time around was a lot harder to cope with then the other pregnancies, probably due to the fact that I had two little ones at home to chase after and we were starting the house hunting journey.  One night in my tiredness, I cried out to God to show me that everything was going to be okay and that my baby was okay.  Immediately, I felt kicking for one of the first times that pregnancy in my womb and it felt like an octopus was inside me.  I thought, “that’s weird how can there be hands and feet in all those places?”  but didn’t analyze it too much and thanked God for reassuring me the little one was okay.

I should mention, my daughter had been praying for girls (yes girls-as in two girls) from the very moment she found out we were expecting.  Well, as I laid in bed thinking about the life God had blessed me with my mind wandered to Ara’s prayers and I told God, “You know we love children and if You chose to send me two, I would feel so amazingly blessed and overwhelmed by Your goodness.  I can’t imagine why You would pick me to send two babies to Lord but if You do, I will treasure it.

So months pass and I am feeling huge, I am also feeling movement EVERYWHERE!  I started getting a little anxious to know if there was one baby or two babies in there.  I had mentioned my thought to the doctor but they only heard one heartbeat and said the only way to really confirm a twin pregnancy is ultrasound and since we were going for one at 21 weeks to find out the gender we would know for sure then.  I was pretty much told over and over not to get my hopes up, there was probably only one baby and I was just bigger and feeling more because this was my third pregnancy.  So, that night in my impatience, I asked God to show me if I was having twins or one baby.

Now, there are times in life when I don’t ask God to show me certain things because I am afraid of the answer.  This time I had some apprehension that I would be disappointed if it were one baby and I didn’t want to be ungrateful of even one precious life God would send me.  I didn’t want that to be my heart.  I wanted to give Him glory if there was one, two, or even no children.  But I was impatient to find out.  And God was gracious even with my impatience and He answered me.  When I asked I clearly felt two long spines push their way up against the skin of my belly.  I laid there with one hand on one little back and the other along the other little back and just felt- overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed that God had answered me, overwhelmed that He would bless me in such a way and overwhelmed with the fact that I was the only one at that moment with the knowledge of the two little lives inside of me.  I felt a bit like I feel Mary may have felt as she “treasured up all these things- pondering them in her heart”.  Of course, my human flesh and frail faith began questioning if I really had heard from God.  Maybe I am just fooling myself into thinking that I felt two backs, maybe I want to feel two babies so I believed that that is what I felt, maybe I don’t know God’s voice.  Then I was given the overwhelming urge to look up the name meanings for the names that Paul and I had picked out.  I didn’t know why this urge struck me as it was late and I was exhausted in bed already but I HAD to get up and look them up at that moment.  Well, one meant companion and the other meant twins!  So, thank you Lord for your sense of humor and indulging this doubting Thomas time and time again.

The time came for the much anticipated ultrasound.  At this point I had told my husband and a few others from church that I was sure I was having twins and that I felt God had confirmed it and so I was really nervous to go to the gender reveal.  I was afraid that if they only saw one baby on that screen I would feel like I can’t hear God clearly or worse that I had believed in “signs” that I wanted to see but weren’t really from Him.  At the same time, when these doubts crept in a peace would take over and I would feel sure again and treasured by God and knew whatever we saw was His plan.  We walked into the office and my husband jokingly said, “My wife thinks there’s two in there”.  The ultrasound tech said, “well, we’ll take a look”.  As soon as she put the device on my stomach, up on the wall screen I saw two heads.  I tried not to get excited, “maybe that’s a head and a stomach”, I thought, “ultrasounds are really hard to distinguish what you are looking at to begin with”.

“She’s right.”  The ultrasound tech said.  !!!!!  ”There are their two little heads”.  :)

Praise God!  To Him be the glory!  May I never forget exactly who these little girls came from.  At a time when so much of my life felt uncertain, God had given me what felt like a lifeline.  A reminder that He was working and He was there.  That He hears the prayers and petitions of little girls and the questions from mothers who struggle with uncertainty.

Feeling so unbelievably blessed!

 

To my 18 year old self June 8, 2011

This week for small group, the following three questions were sent out to be thinking about for our meeting tonight.  I journaled them and after watching a You Tube video entitled, “To my 16 year old self” about skin cancer, I decided that the answers are probably better shared to hopefully prevent some other youths from making the same mistakes I did.  So, I present you with a genuine picture of my young teenage years and beyond.

What if you could go back to and talk to your 18-year old self, as you were just about to enter adulthood?  At 18 most of my worldview for holiness, purity and relationship with Christ was already solidified.  I think to be of true help to “my 18 year old self”, I would have needed to vision cast from birth. Not that it isn’t an appropriate time to recast a vision for these things, I just know for me, personally, the damage to a biblical worldview of them had already been done.

Knowing what you know now, what vision would you cast for yourself in holiness, purity, and your relationship with Christ?  I wish I could have presented (my very young self) a vision of guarding my heart in a way that honors Christ.  To explain that purity is about more than just sex but involves thoughts, motives, emotions, and faithfulness to someone that at that point in life I had never even met.  I wish I could have told my 12 year old self that over the next 6 years I would in my head “try on” over ten guys as husbands, “playing house” with them in my imagination, doodling what our married name would be all over notebooks, writing out our children’s names and fantasizing about what they would look like.  I wish I could have explained that these activities, while seemingly harmless, are the very things that make it impossible to follow the advice given repeatedly in the Song of Solomon, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,by the gazelles or the does of the field,that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” I would warn myself not to ever start reading the romance novels I would be given for Christmas at 13 years old, explaining that fantasizing about someone other than my husband, even fictional, will not aid “guarding my heart” for the one I would covenant only to love.  I would paint a picture for me that the best romance story ever written is the one God writes for my life and cannot be found in lust of youth, the pages of a novel or the scenes of a romantic comedy film.  As far as relationship with Christ I would tell my young self not to waste time!  I would tell middle schooler Jen that sleep, books, pouring over fashion magazines, and worrying about who would be at youth group or who I would sit with at lunch will only serve to distract me from anything meaningful, and absolutely would not matter to me ten years down the line.  I would challenge myself to read the bible more than novels, talk to God more than my friends on the phone, and to serve His people more than myself.  I would also warn myself NEVER to get on the poms squad in highschool and to use my college years to develop character and godliness more than a portfolio that I would never end up using anyhow. I would explain that gracefulness is more beautiful to God in my heart than on a stage.   I would tell myself that one day I would meet a man named Paul, who will remind me so much of the Paul in the bible that perhaps I would be better served to study Paul the apostle instead of the blond haired boy in the seat in front of me.  J

What vision would you cast for your singleness, or your marriage, fatherhood or motherhood.  Now, thinking forward, what vision will you cast for the rest of your life?  The vision I would cast is what biblical womanhood looks like: “reverent in behavior, not slanderers, to love their husbands and children, ⁵to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands”.  I would urge myself to work on developing those virtues than selfish ambition.  The vision I would cast for the rest of my life is that virtue is caught more than taught and while I need to be teaching my children what marriage, fatherhood and motherhood look like biblically, they will learn more by my example.  Since I am incapable of representing biblical womanhood well, my prayer is that I would be continually on my knees asking the Spirit to work in my life despite myself.

Blog Meme? ::right now:: May 30, 2011

DISCLAIMER- I might be stealing, if I am, I am ever so sorry.  In my blog surfing, several times I have come across what I believe is a blog meme called “::right now::”  It is a simple structured blog post to give readers a peek into your day using action words to describe “right now”.  Because I am not sure what blog it originated with, I am most likely not giving adequate “hosting credit” to it and so I apologize for the lack of online etiquette.  I believe it is a Monday Meme and today I found it on SouleMama.

::right now::

My Nature Girl

right now I am…

::wondering if taking a family hike today was such a good idea at 27 weeks pregnant with twins.  (going into the trail downhill, was much easier than coming out uphill and my balance was, lets just say, not so good)

::marveling at how much older my little girl seems everyday and the paradox that is her selective gift of being aware of details.  (how is the same girl who spies a camouflaged snail under a log on the side of a hiking trail not able to find her bright magenta flowered play boots daily when they are in the same place every time?)

::feeling large

::smelling the lingering smell of turkey bacon coming from the kitchen which reminds me of Grandma H’s house.

::thanking my parents for a very generous babies gift in the form of a new dryer that won’t take three cycles to dry clothes (going to be a life saver with three little ones in cloth diapers!)

::enjoying having spent the weekend with family and friends and having my sister home for summer break.

::looking forward to celebrating 6 years of marriage with my love this week!

::wishing you a blessed Memorial day with loved ones!

Creek Explorers May 27, 2011

Big Sugar Creek, Cuivre River State Park

Today we took the kids to the creek at Cuivre River State Park.  What a blessing to watch the delight on my children’s faces as they discovered sparkly rocks, the grainy texture of mud and sand between their toes and the blissful child-like ability they have to forge right into freezing creek waters giggling and squealing with joy as their not so child-like parents gingerly dip one toe in and recoil at the icy temperature.  My husband was all consumed by the fossils he was finding, mostly plant fossils.  Aralyn was “watering the rock bank with liquid gold” which she dispensed from her pink flowered watering can, red cowboy hat placed jauntily on top of her head to protect it from ticks and James was content to sit right on a pile of rocks putting one after another into a big yellow sand pail, announcing each time, “here-go!”.  After quite some time was spent pouring gold over the rocks, Ara and I hunted for smooth ones that would make good rock pets to paint and a few for our nature scape centerpiece (which probably means I should clear off the kitchen table to properly display it ) We ended our adventure by exploring a fallen, hollowed out tree trunk as wide as the play tubes at McDonald’s but with much less ugly bright plastic and absolutely no static electricity!  It was exciting to come across the rock nest some other explorer’s had left behind inside the trunk for us to find!

As for now, we are all back home, stripped of wet muddy clothes and cuddled into fresh dry ones.  Exhausted, happy and carrying the faint scent of outdoors mixed with sunscreen as we crash into beds for naps.  I may just take one too- the sun has a way of making me happily tired like Thanksgiving turkey.

*NOTE- a quick house update: I hadn’t posted in a while as thing have been a little crazy here navigating the loss of a house we were under contract and supposed to close on, finding a new house we are currently under contract for and living out of boxes.  I’ll try to keep you posted!

*NOTE- a quick twin update:  The girls are 27 weeks along and doing great!   We had an ultrasound last week and they are growing right on target and kicking me up (and each other) in the process.

And The Twins Make Four :) April 25, 2011

I admit, I haven’t kept up too well since the littlest McKinney made his appearance in January 2010 and we moved to a rental home with no internet.  And yet, faithful readers, you still visit my page and I love you for it.  So, now that new adventures have popped up in our crazy lives, I thought I would take the opportunity to update you with our latest happenings which come in the form of an ultrasound we had a little over a week ago revealing that I am, indeed, carrying little girl twins!  Add closing on our very first home this week and you get a snapshot into the craziness that is my household right now.  Later this week, I will post pictures of the first home adventure but for now, I am off to pack and keep laundry going!  Thanks to all my subscribers for sticking with me through the dry spell, life needed to happen, it did and will continue to but hopefully now, I’m back for a while!  Have a wonderful week!

Mason Jar Monday May 18, 2009

Today’s Mason Jar Monday Idea can be found at Craftzine.

They write:

“The crafting world seems to have come down with a major case of terrarium fever, and I’m no exception. It’s so much fun creating these verdant little worlds, and I especially like that my cats can’t get to the plants inside. I’ve been having a lot of fun making woodland-themed moss terrariums for friends, so I thought I’d share what I’ve learned with CRAFT readers. You can purchase lidded glass containers at craft stores, but this project relies on reusing mason jars you may already have on hand. The rest of the materials needed can easily be found at home and garden stores. Read on to find out more!

Materials:
• Glass mason jar with lid (I used an old spaghetti sauce jar)
• Potting soil
• Activated charcoal (sometimes called terrarium charcoal)
• Small stones, pebbles, or gravel
• Sheet moss (sometimes called preserved sheet moss)
• Decorations (such as small toys, larger rocks, etc.)
• Chopsticks or bamboo skewers
• Spray paint (if desired)

First prep your jar by washing and drying it. If you’re reusing a mason jar, you may want to spray paint the lid to cover any logos, etc. I painted mine using Krylon spray paint in “Blue Ocean Breeze.” The coverage is great and the drying time is only 10 minutes. I also had to remove some sticker residue from the glass. I soaked the jar in warm, soapy water, which removed most of the label. Then I took the residue off with a bit of vegetable oil on a cleaning cloth.

Start by adding a 1″ layer of pebbles to the bottom of the jar, followed by a thin layer of charcoal. The charcoal will help filter the water in your terrarium and will absorb odors — otherwise your terrarium may start to stink. (You can also choose to mix some charcoal into your soil at a 1:4 ratio, but I prefer the layered look.) After the pebbles and charcoal, you’ll add a 3″–4″ layer of potting soil.

Now you’ll start adding in the greenery. Simply tear pieces of moss off the sheet and place them in a single layer inside the jar. It can be hard to fit your hand inside the jar to adjust things, so use chopsticks or a bamboo skewer to move the plants around.

If you want to create some interest with height, you could mound up the soil in one area to create a mini-mountain to cover in moss. All-moss terrariums look great, but you can also experiment with adding plants like small ferns and the like. I found some nice plants growing between the sidewalk cracks while walking my dog one morning, so I ripped a few out and brought them home to add to my jar. They’ve been absolutely thriving in their new mason jar ecosystem.

Decorate as you wish with a variety of rocks, shells, plastic toys, or whatever you like! I used some fun plastic deer and mushroom cupcake toppers from Bake It Pretty.

Now water your terrarium lightly (until you can see some moisture down in the pebble layer), and screw on the lid. You will need to water your terrarium every few weeks. Droplets of moisture are fine — you want to see these — but if it starts looking especially foggy in there, take the lid off for a few hours to let moisture escape. Otherwise, an occasional water and/or spritz with a spray bottle should be fine.

If you want to get super crazy, use a teeny jam jar to make a mini-terrarium! Here’s one I made using a Bonne Maman orange marmalade jar. I love these because the glass has a beautiful shape and they have a fun red and white gingham lid. Follow the same directions as above, just use less of all the supplies.”

Visit Show and Tell Friday May 15, 2009

AH! Sorry, I’m slackin’ again with the posts.  I do have a reason- you can read it here.  As for the giveaway the winner was: Miss Jocelyn!  I will need your contact info ASAP to get the giveaway DVD on its way to you.  So, be looking for an email.

Jen

Reclaiming the Culture DVD Giveaway! May 8, 2009

I am very excited to announce that the Vision Forum has generously offered to send one of my readers a free DVD choice from the following NEW Reclaiming the Culture Titles!

- The Devolution of Law

- Top Ten Questions About Genesis and Creation

- You May Not Take Our Guns

- The State of Parental Rights in America

- Christianity and Science Fiction (Reclaiming the Genre for Christ)

To enter the giveaway please click on the titles above to learn more about each DVD and leave a comment in the comments section with your name, contact info, and DVD of choice. The giveaway will close at midnight central time on Monday the 11th of May. The winner will be announced Tuesday the 12th and MUST sent me their shipping information by May 15th.

Free Audio Track May 5, 2009

Click above image to go to download page.  Download available today and tomorrow.